We named our party play list daddy issues
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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