have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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