There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
