His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
