If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My balls are so social today.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
