You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
