I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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