You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize