I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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