Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
