VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
how does that bad decision feel?
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