my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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