Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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