Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
