If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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