God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
