Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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