Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
