My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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