I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
what is it with giant penises always finding me
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
