We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
