The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
