I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
