You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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