the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
