woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize