there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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