you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
nut hugger
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
