He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
