So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i out mim tonsoeep
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
