She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
