It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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