I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
