I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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