Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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