she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
