yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
