I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
