I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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