He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
is it fun? or sober?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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