How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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