he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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