oh god the rape fog is back!
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
