I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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