I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Don't make out with my wife yet
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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