I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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