cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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