On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
