Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
