he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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