It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
