I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Randomize