like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize