can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
