Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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