You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
